Why You’re Not Ready to Go No Contact
Social media depicts going no contact as a no-brainer or all-size-fits-one solution to ending the emotional and psychological pain of being a part of a narcissistic family system. But for many adults raised in narcissistic families, the idea of going no contact doesn’t feel empowering at first.
It feels wrong.
It feels disloyal.
It can even feel dangerous at a nervous-system level.
This is because going no contact isn’t just a boundary, it’s a rupture of an attachment bond that once functioned as a lifeline, even when that bond was harmful.
And the truth is:
Our bodies are not designed to easily disconnect from attachment figures, even abusive ones.
Disconnecting From a Lifeline, Not Just a Person
For a child growing up in a narcissistic family, the caregiver is not just a parent, they are the source of:
Survival
Belonging
Safety (however inconsistent)
Emotional orientation
Even when that attachment was chaotic, conditional, or painful, it was still necessary.
As adults, the rational mind may recognize the harm. But the nervous system remembers:
“I needed them to survive.”
“Disconnection once meant danger.”
“Attachment kept me alive.”
So when people talk about going no contact casually, it can feel deeply intimidating.
Because to the body, no contact can feel like cutting off oxygen, not just cutting off a relationship.
No Contact Is Usually Preceded by Years of Vacillation and Self-Doubt
Most people do not wake up one day and decide to go no contact.
Instead, there are often years of internal back-and-forth:
“Maybe if I explain it differently…”
“Maybe therapy will help them change.”
“Maybe I’m being too sensitive.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“What if I regret this?”
“What if I’m the problem?”
This vacillation is not weakness.
It is the mind trying to reconcile two opposing truths:
I am being harmed.
I am attached to these people.
Holding those truths simultaneously is exhausting. And for many, no contact only becomes thinkable after every other option has failed. Sound like you, overthinker?
Anticipating the Grief vs Living Inside It
One of the most overlooked aspects of going no contact is grief. There is often grief before the cutoff:
Anticipatory sadness
Guilt
Fear of being alone
Dread of holidays and milestones
And then there is grief after:
The quiet and absence
The first holiday or birthday without them
The ache of “they’re still alive, but unreachable”
The loss of potential for repair
The pain of clarity about the damage your nervous system has been through
Many people discover that going no contact forces them to mourn something they were still unconsciously hoping for: A relationship that will never exist.
This grief is complex because it isn’t clean or socially recognized. There is no funeral.
No public ritual. No clear ending.
Just a private reckoning with reality.
Mourning a Relationship That Never Fully Happened
Perhaps the deepest grief is not losing the family you had but accepting that the family you needed was never coming.
No contact often marks the moment when hope finally breaks:
Hope they’ll see you.
Hope they’ll change.
Hope they’ll choose you.
Hope they’ll love you without conditions.
That loss can feel devastating even when distance is necessary for survival.
If You’re Only Thinking About No Contact, That’s Enough for Now
Many people reading this are not ready to go no contact. They’re just thinking about it. And that matters.
You may still be:
Staying connected
Playing the same role
Managing their emotions
Minimizing yourself to keep the peace
Telling yourself, “This is just how it is”
If that’s where you are, you are not failing.
For some, staying connected — even in painful ways — is a way to delay grief until the psyche is strong enough to hold it. Grief requires capacity. And not everyone has the safety, support, or stability to mourn people who are still alive.
Sometimes Staying Is a Form of Psychological Survival
There is no universal timeline for healing. Some people remain connected to narcissistic families because they are not ready to mourn yet or they still need access to extended family. Cultural or financial ties may motivate a person to stay connected until alternative options are secured. Some people are simply not ready to walk through grief and the idea of choosing to mourn an attachment bond would push some over the edge.
This does not mean they are in denial.
It means their nervous system is protecting them in the only way it knows how.
And sometimes, playing the same role is not about weakness…it’s about staying tethered until the body is ready to let go.
There Is No “Right” Way to Do This
Going no contact is not a requirement for healing. Staying connected is not a failure.
The most important question is not:
“Should I go no contact?”
But:
“What am I at capacity to handle right now?”
Healing from narcissistic families is not about forcing yourself into decisions before you’re ready. It’s about listening to your nervous system, honoring your grief, and allowing clarity to emerge in its own time.
Whether you stay, leave, or hover somewhere in between, your experience is valid.
And when — or if — you are ready to mourn, you won’t be doing it alone.